Session Nine - 03/01/2006
This was the best day I've had in a very, very long time.
I came to Tom's office and could not hide my smile. He had me re-take all the assessment tests I had taken on the first day, back in November. Then, I had scored 60 on a depression inventory, which was severe clinical depression. Today, I scored a zero. I scored, last November, 33 on an anxiety scale - today was a 2. (Anything below 8 is normal.) Another test was multiple-choice, and one of the questions was about feelings of worthlessness. I didn't feel worthless. I wrote "YAY!" next to my answer. :) He said that was one of his favorite things about EMDR - hard evidence that it works.
He did some eye movements with me, while I was holding that initial target picture (the church people trying to cast demons out of me) in my mind. We did this about five times. Everything I said was positive. I felt like I just wanted to give myself a big hug... I was above being mad at them. My anger rated a 2 out of ten. I was nearly indifferent! I told Tom that the other night I was shopping and thought I saw one of them. Instead of hiding, I kept on walking. It turned out it wasn't one of the church people. But I was proud of myself. :) I even managed to say I loved myself... that was a first for me! Tom said, "wow, listen to all those positive cognitions coming out of you!"
Tom shook my hand and said "Congratulations, you've successfully desensitized the trauma." Neither of us could stop smiling. We talked for a while about goodbyes... he says people don't often think about that word - it truly is a "good" bye, since we were leaving on good terms. Yesterday before my appointment, I remembered a quote - Kermit the Frog said, in The Muppet Christmas Carol, that "Life is full of joinings and partings - that is the way of it." And it is, and it's getting easier for me to deal with the partings.
I told Tom about these pages; that I've been writing about my EMDR for Alternative Universe, and for everyone out there. And for me. He said, "so before you came in today, you knew this was the last day?" I smiled and nodded, and looked at my purse, and pulled out a thank-you card for him. :) There were 3 of my favorite quotes in it:
"I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of man to elevate his life by conscious endeavor." - Thoreau
"We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot." - Eleanor Roosevelt
"Know that joy is rarer, more difficult, and more beautiful than sadness. Once you make this all-important discovery, you must embrace joy as a moral obligation." - Andre Gide
(yeah, I collect quotes.)
I also wrote in that card, "Thank you for being a therapist here...my life has changed for the better." He said he was honored to be a part of that. I gave him a biiiig hug and thanked him once more and he walked me to the front desk. I told him I'd come back and visit, and he said he'd catch up with Susan (my regular therapist) later on and see how I was doing. I did okay leaving - I didn't cry till I was in the car, and then only a tear or two... as much tears of relief as sadness at a departure.
The day got better, even after that. My friend Carrie took me along when she went grocery shopping so we could talk. She's proud of me, and I'm proud of myself. We met as cashiers at the Super Wal-Mart we were shopping at (although neither of us work there anymore) and we saw so many old friends. I ran into one very special person, Robin - another cashier who knew what a wreck I was when I quit there in 2003. I hadn't seen her since I left. She was absolutely thrilled to hear how well I was doing, and even she said she was proud of me. We exchanged e-mail addresses so we can keep in touch.
I can't believe how much better I feel. I really can't believe what a difference it has made. Thank you all for your support. Thank you thank you thank you. I never could have made it without my friends.