Session Eight - 02/06/2006
Something just snapped.
I just sat there with wide eyes and my jaw on the floor, while Tom was about ready to jump out of his chair. He almost shouted, so loudly that I'm sure anyone in adjoining offices heard him.
But I'm ahead of myself.
I arrived in a "blah" mood, and didn't really feel like dealing with the matter. But we began anyways. He spent a lot of time trying to get me to differentiate between then and now. We discussed that I feel I'm a different person now, and how I've become so much stronger, but I still felt like it all just happened yesterday. At the beginning of the session, I was feeling stupid that I got sucked into the whole church experience, so Tom said, "so only stupid people join cults?" I said, "no, I know that's not true." After the next set, I said I was angry with myself for being so weak back then, and he said "Oh, so it's only weak people that get caught into these things." I replied, "Point taken."
We went on and figured out that I'm very afraid that the church people will start harassing me at my job again. He asked how long it's been, and it has been since 2003. Three years. But they only bothered me in public at my jobs - I haven't worked in public since then. I've only done nanny work in private homes.
So why, we wondered, was I still angry and hurt if I believe I'm stronger now, I'm a different person, I wouldn't let them harass me anymore? He asked me what I've learned, and those were the things I said. I also said that I've learned not to expect people to help, but to be grateful and appreciate it when they do. Tom asked me, if I, the person I am today, was back there with my old self in that church, what would I tell myself? I said I'd tell myself to get out, that it wouldn't work, but that there are things that can work. (For treating depression - such as therapy.) "So," he said, "you know where to go for help, how to get it." I said that my old self would find my new self kind of mean... I can be really hard on myself. I was berating myself mentally for being so naive then.
"Wait, did you see that?" he said. I looked at him blankly. "For the first time, you just differentiated between then and now, on your own." Another set of eye movements. "What did you notice?" he asked me. "I feel like I just climbed over a wall." "Your anger?" he asked. "A two." I replied.
He flew back across the office in his rolling chair, saying "YES!" As I said, I'm sure anyone nearby heard him. "I LOVE that part of this, I absolutely love this part of that treatment!" All I could do was sit, half-smiling and half-laughing.
I'm seeing him again March 1st. (It'd be sooner but he's going on vacation.) He told me to keep doing my safe place and thought logs, and be sure to write down anything that comes up, including any dreams.
Whoa. I don't know what to say. I feel... free.