Session Seven - 01/18/2006
Today was a lot rougher than last week, and so my cold and the fact I'm getting off Paxil (and in withdrawal) makes it even harder. There was a lot of frustration and anger, because I feel stuck. Tom said I'm seeing in black and white (typical BPD, eh?)) - my 2 choices are, either that church was right in their beliefs and I got screwed over by a god, or else there is no god. There are no other choices. We kept going back and forth over this - he asked me what got me to believe in their beliefs - he asked if I'd had an open mind, and I said yes. So he asked where my open mind is now. I said I CAN'T be open minded - that IS all there is - their Jesus and hell, or no belief at all. They drilled that into my head so far that I can't get it out. It's not a matter of me wanting to let go - I want it out. But I can't get it out. Either I don't believe in god, or I do and god hates me (because of the 5 years of hell - any god that put me through that hell on earth, I want no part of.) I can't accept that there could be another answer, because there isn't - the church drilled it in so hard that all other religions are wrong.
It's not that I'm choosing not to believe in a god either. When I HAVE to classify myself, I say I'm agnostic - I believe you don't know and you CAN'T know if there is a god or not. Despite the church people KNOWING there is a god. The thing is, looking back, I think a lot of their worship services involved inducing emotional highs and lows with music, and things like speaking in tongues were not coming from a god, but from the people's subliminal minds. (Note: I am not attacking all churches that speak in tongues - I am specifically saying that at my church, I believe it was just subliminal. Believe what you like. Read this.) Back then I KNEW there was a god, but looking back from where I stand today, I don't. I think I didn't really know a real god then.
I know this is all confusing - first I say if god is real then he hated me, then I say I don't even know if I knew a real "god" figure then. This is part of my conflict. I don't know - it's all VERY frustrating and confusing. Tom did say that is good, because it's all the stuff coming up, and I have to face it before I can get over it. It did take longer than usual for me to go through the safe place at the end of session today, because I was so worked up. As always, I welcome your comments. Considering other perspectives may help me... looking at it from a different direction could be just what I need.
I really am fighting this strong desire to tell them, "look at what you did to me." I don't see the church people anymore, but I wish I could tell them that. I know that's probably petty and childish... I'm not perfect. Look at all this anger and frustration that I can't get out... it was drilled in so deeply. I hope I overcome this soon. I'm still very wound up, so I'm going to go find something relaxing to do.