Meanwhile, back at the ranch (as they say)...
On Tuesday Jan 3rd, I saw my regular therapist, Susan. It was sooo good to see her. I did talk about the church somewhat with her and caught her up on what's been going on in EMDR with Tom, but more about other stresses going on in my life right now. The pertinent stuff, about the church, I'll post here.
One big thing I went on about was how I can't live that way again. So much guilt about everything... guilt and fear that the slightest sin would be missed and I'd go to hell... the feeling that I was completely and utterly worthless without some deity I can't even see. At least now I have some kind of self-esteem. I can go into a place and not feel like I'm not worthy to be there, like I don't deserve to be alive. I just can't live like that again.
6th EMDR session - 01/11/2006
Major breakthrough.
Tom and I were talking about letting everything go, and that I have a problem letting things go. He asked if I could try to visualize just letting everything go, and I said that sounded scary, but I didn't know why.
Another set of eye movements, and I stalled... I didn't know how to say it... It was scary to let it go because it is a huge part of who I am. I think I blew every fuse in my brain. Tom said the reason it sounds so scary is because I'm picturing letting it go all at once... he said I can let it go one step at a time, so it's not so scary.
I need some more time to think about all this.