5th EMDR session - 12/16/2005
Today was not an easy day, but then again, when is therapy ever easy? Not often, I'll tell you that.
I still feel like I am the victim of some huge scam - the scam having been the church. I *can* acknowledge that maybe they didn't know they were hurting me, but I don't like to acknowledge that. Tom asked me what it would take for me to go from being the victim to being the survivor. I simply don't know.
Tom asked me to say something. He said to say "I am a survivor of..." and fill in the blank. I said "I'm a survivor of 5 really bad years at that church." He said, "And?" I said, "And 2 suicide attempts as a result." He asked if it felt different for me to say it that way. It didn't for the suicide attempts - I've already called myself a survivor in that sense. As for being a survivor of the church... I don't know if it felt different.
He read to me from a book - didn't give me the title - about hate and its parts - resentment, vengeance, etc. Part of what he read said that the opposite of hate is not love - it is indifference. That is already what I want - I've said from the beginning that my goal is to be able to run into them (the church people) in public and have it not affect me at all. I don't know that I fully hate them, because some of the "symptoms of hate" (so to speak) that he read, I've already gotten over, or never had. He continued and read a couple of pages about forgiveness as well. He wrote down the name of a book that the book he was reading from referred to - Forgiving the Unforgivable
At one point in our talk, he started to ask something, but then paused, as though he was looking for a better way to say something. He said, "Is it possible..." and he stopped again. I said, "Be direct, even if it hurts." He still proceeded slowly. Finally, he said, "Is it possible, that maybe they did care in their own way, but it wasn't the kind or amount of caring you needed then?" I never doubted that they did care. But I don't know when they stopped caring. For example, take Anita - she pretended to be fine and then one day just completely exploded at me, saying she couldn't stand it. Tom asked what "it" was, and I simply said, "The way I was. The borderline parts of my personality." "Which was...?" he asked. "My clinginess." But the problem was, I told Tom, that she said she never wanted to be around me, ever again. He said, "So she rejected all of you, not just the behavior." I said yes and that she had never said before that, "I can't take it if you continue behaving this way." I had no warning... it was just a complete rejection out of nowhere.
Tom asked again what I need to go from victim to survivor. I really really don't know. I want them to know how much they hurt me, but he said that's what I want, not what I need. I guess I have a lot to think about. I already ordered the book from Amazon - a used seller - hopefully it'll get here soon.
Due to vacations and the fact that I see Susan on Jan. 3rd and my psychiatrist on the 6th (both are expensive), I don't see Tom again till January 11th. I'm on Susan's cancellation list next week though. Linda, the receptionist, really made my day today. The agency calendar for 2006 is out and she had copies for clients - I'd never had one before, but this one has Susan's picture in it. I jumped up and down, lol. Linda and Lois, the other receptionist, did ask me to stop in and visit with them next week if I have time, so I said I would. I gave them Christmas hugs and stopped to see the nurses and give them Christmas hugs too. The people there are so awesome. :)