4th EMDR session - 12/09/2005
I had a rather long and stressful week, which I told Tom about when I went in. We talked for several minutes and he said it sounded like I was overstimulated. My anger was at a 7 and anxiety at a 9, and that was just when I got there! I told him what happened with my mom last week (she choked badly), and he asked if I wanted to focus on that, and I shook my head "no" a little more vigorously than I meant to. He asked what I thought about us doing only the safe place with EMDR today and trying to calm it all down, and I nodded. He said, "Well, that's the first thing you've nodded to rather than shaking your head no, so I take it that's a yes!"
So, when we started, it was really hard for me to get into my safe place and relax, but as we went along it got better. We talked about various stressful stuff like my parents and the whole issue with my sister, which is an entirely separate story. (Let's call it, my sister's not getting along with us right now.) I cried a little bit and we pushed on. Wow, I didn't think about it until just now, but it was months before I would let myself cry in front of Susan, my regular therapist. I don't think I had a choice today, though... I was just so stressed out. That's not to say that I'm less comfortable with Susan... it was just 2 years ago and I was new to therapy, and I bottled things up a lot more back then.
That was also true this week... I realized I've been bottling things up a bit too much. I need a vacation... I wonder if my friend Jessie is free for a weekend. Tom said that sounded like a good idea.
It was a bit unusual, but Tom had me describe the color, shape, and size of my stress at the beginning and the end of the session. Okay, I feel a little silly saying this, but it started out a big sphere, red, and black, and ended a small gray sphere. Which was better.
By the end of the session, it was easier for me to get into my safe place and he said I was putting in a lot more details, which meant that I was "there" more. My anxiety was down to a 3 and anger a 2 by the time I left. He said that we don't always have to do the stressful stuff... we can always stop and do relaxation.
I definitely needed the relaxation. I must take better care of myself this week. More next Friday!
12/10/05 updates: I need to call Tom on Monday - my mom said last night for the 2nd time, I was screaming in my sleep. The first time was a week or two ago. Also, I ran into Susan at K-Mart! It's the first time I've seen her outside of the agency. It was so neat! She was on her cellphone, so I couldn't talk with her, but I said "I miss you!" & hugged her and she asked if I was doing good - I said yes because what am I going to say in the middle of K-Mart when she's on her phone? She's not gonna do therapy right there anyways, lol! I think it makes her more real - she exists outside of work. Kinda like when you're a kid and you run into a teacher away from school, LOL! Anyways, it's been almost 2 months since I've seen her, and I have missed her. I think that was my early Christmas present, getting to see her. :)