3rd EMDR session - 12/02/2005
Today we started out with the really bad nightmare I had. It's still pretty hard for me to talk about because it was so real, but it was kind of a mix of dying and the rapture. Back when I was in the church, I would have nightmares about missing the rapture. The church was really into the whole "end times" thing then, and the Left Behind series was just coming out. (I read part of the kids' series and had to stop because they scared me too much.) During the worst of my fear, I slept with my TV on, so I could wake up and instantly see the news, without waiting for the TV to warm up. I would wake up and look for stories of people disappearing (rapture). I would wake up in the middle of a panic attack. It was awful. This last dream didn't quite get me to panic level, but it was close... it scared me and upset me a lot.
To sidetrack briefly, I did feel somewhat uncomfortable about Tom being so close to me again, and again I almost asked him to scoot back across the room. It helped that he would lean way back in his chair between eye movement periods. The reason I nearly asked him to back away, is that I wanted to explain something, and it's very hard for me to me to make eye contact when he's so close. I read in a blog somewhere this week that the closer someone is to us physically, the less we make eye contact - I guess I proved that true today!
One of the things we talked about was truth. Tom asked me if what the people in the church told me was "absolutely" true, and I said no, because they were teaching me I was worthless without their god. He kept going back to that - it wasn't absolutely true. Which confused me, because do I just discard all that and start over, or what? Tom asked me how I would feel if I didn't have these thoughts about the church, and I was completely bewildered, because I just couldn't imagine not having those thoughts. He tried to clarify. He said, "So having these thoughts about the church, you feel scared, angry, etc... how would you feel if you didn't have those thoughts?" I still couldn't answer, because I can't just forget those experiences. He said they were bad thoughts, so why would anyone want to hold on to bad thoughts? I said, "At the very least, to learn from them." I'm still not entirely sure what to make of all that. Maybe it will sink in over the next week.
Another thing we talked about was all the "counseling sessions" I had with the pastor and his wife. I went for my depression. God could solve all my problems, I was always told, but for some reason, he didn't. Tom asked me how I felt about all this, and I said "scammed." He asked if I was feeling scammed by the therapy, which I am not - therapy has produced long-term results (like better self-esteem), whereas those counseling sessions at the church only resulted in my feeling better for a day or two.
We talked about how badly I feared missing the rapture when I was in church... he said, "what comes after the 'what if?' What if you were to miss it?" I guessed I feared going to hell. He again asked if what the church taught me was absolutely true, and I said no. I said that I guess there are just so many unknowns... so many theories about what happens after death, and he said, "can anyone prove any of those theories?" Of course not. I wondered aloud why this fear of missing the rapture, or of going to hell, still has such a strong hold on me when I honestly don't know if I even believe in a god anymore. Since I often wonder how much of their beliefs... my beliefs, at the time... were based on a real god and how much was based on their ideas about god, it's easier for me to think about discarding the notion of god altogether, but it's harder to lose that fear of hell, and dying. Maybe it's because I was just so heavily indoctrinated in that fear, and partly just the natural fear of the unknown. I don't know, I'm starting to feel very philosophical here.
The conclusion he came to today, which he had already mentioned he suspected, was that I am in a spiritual crisis. Before I left he wanted me to consider 2 things. He asked me if I had ever considered attending another church, to which I emphatically shook my head no. I have visited churches in the past with a friend or two, and since my church experience, I have visited 2 others - shortly after I'd left my church, I visited a friend from nursing school's church, and my friend Karen took me to her church the day I attempted suicide the 2nd time. At the first, I couldn't stop crying the entire time, because of everything that had happened. At Karen's, naturally my focus was more on myself that day than the service, but as it was over a year after I left my old church, and after the people had begun harassing me at work, it was very uncomfortable when they sang songs we'd sung at my old church. Despite his telling me that there are churches that exist that are indeed only about lifting people up, I told Tom I wanted nothing to do with any other church. The mere thought terrifies me. Maybe it's close-minded of me, as he said, to base everything on this one church, but they hurt me so badly. They taught me everything I thought I knew about god - I had a belief system to stand on, which was yanked out from under me. I can't go through that again.
The other thing Tom asked me to consider is that spirituality is separate from religion. Spirituality is a connection inside yourself, he said, while religion is something you practice. I acknowledged that I know that. I still "pray," I just don't pray to a god. I think of it sending out good thoughts or karma. I mostly do so when a friend needs something... I really don't "pray" for myself anymore. If I were guessing, I would say that is because so many of my prayers for myself - no matter how earnestly and desperately I prayed, pleaded, even begged - went unanswered.
Our next session is Friday, 12/16/05 - more then.