2nd EMDR session - 11/18/2005
Man, therapy is a lot of hard work!
When I first got there I was feeling very anxious again. I think I used to get like that before I'd see Susan, the first few times... I think it's more because I'm not used to Tom yet. I calmed down somewhat talking to the receptionists though - they are very nice ladies and we talked for a good ten minutes, if not longer. One was telling me about her vacation next week, so that distracted me pretty well.
So I got back there and it felt very abrupt... it was like, no intro this time, lol. We just started. It was frustrating at first because other things kept trying to get in the way... just the every day stuff.
Early into the session, I felt a lot of fear surrounding my old pastor. I remembered this time when we were having a prayer session, and I left the sanctuary to be alone in the youth room, and he'd followed me. I'm not good around men, having been molested as a child, plus my church was very adamant about a man and woman being alone in a room together - it was a huge no-no unless they were married. So I was alone in the room with him, and even though I was sitting in the chair crying and he was walking around praying, I just felt very afraid of him. There were a couple of minutes there when I was almost ready to ask Tom to back off and scoot back across the room... I guess that's transference... I didn't want anyone that close to me. I'm sure he would have if I'd asked, but then a question or something distracted me, and we went on. I was also afraid of going back and facing all this again.
He had to stop me and ask me to clarify partway through, because he was confused. I'd said that I felt bad that I'd not had a backbone to get out, but he said I did - because otherwise I'd still be there today. And I'd said that maybe it was understandable that I didn't realize what was going on, because I was just a kid. (Even though I was 21 and 22 at the time I left, I think I did a lot of growing up and changing between then and now.) He said, but you left that last night - is that not a decision that you made, to leave that church? And I said no, it was being so depressed and alienated and feeling that no one gave a crap about me. I said I'd never really tried to leave before that night.
So another round of eye movement, and I said WAIT A MINUTE, but I DID leave before!! I'd left the church once for 9 months! This got a huge smile from Tom, lol. I felt so guilty because they'd convinced me that I was so worthless and dirty and sinful without the church - I emphasize that it was the church, not God - that I felt I was wrong being out of church and came back. You see? They'd had a huge influence on me long before I had even realized they did! Whoa. It was guilt that brought me back the first time. Maybe the 2nd time, I really did see through the bull****, even though I didn't realize I did till later.
All this made me feel naive and gullible, that I'd listened to them so unquestioningly. But it made me feel understanding towards myself, back then, that I was just a kid at the time. I wanted to fit in so badly that I'd just go along with anything they said. It makes me wonder if, maybe they really didn't know what they were doing. That is a very BIG issue - a huge thing for me to think about. The black-and-white part of me still wants to be convinced they KNEW what they were doing - they knew they were hurting me. It's a very big concession for me to even consider that maybe they didn't.
I feel like this is all happening so fast - 2 and a half years of therapy with Susan and we never got this far! He said I had a lot of key cognitive shifts today and I can expect more memories and things to come up this week. I see him next on Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving.
I cried part of the way home. It wasn't really an entirely sad cry - it was more like I was just so overwhelmed with all these different emotions and I had nowhere to put them, so they just came out and I cried. There was a little feeling of relief, too. Maybe fear has held me back... maybe I really am strong enough to face this now. Whoa again.
10/25/2005 - the nightmares have started and they're really intense. Trying to hang in there till Monday when I can call Tom. Until then, my only option is the agency's emergency line which can't do much for me if I don't need to be hospitalized, which I don't.