Evaluation appointment & my first EMDR session - 10/28/2005 & 11/11/2005
At my first appointment with Tom, on Oct. 28th, we only talked about the church experiences, and he explained EMDR to me, although since Susan had mentioned it to me a long time ago, I'd already read the book. Basically he told me I would use my eyes to pretend to be pushing his fingers back and forth. Really, it kind of feels like when you're at the doctor and they check your vision by having you follow their finger, moving only your eyes and not your head. Then he had me pick a "safe place" - mine happens to be the beach - and he told me to use all my senses to describe it. He asked me to pick one word to describe the scene, and I said "tranquil," so that is my key word. For 20-30 minutes every day, I have to lay down with my knees bent and feet flat on the bed (he said it takes pressure off the lower back) and do this exercise: I take deep breaths, and on each inhale, I describe one aspect of the beach (examples - I see the water, it's silvery blue - I feel the sand, it's soft and cool) and on each exhale, I say the word "tranquil." It's not easy to sustain for half an hour but I try. If I get interrupted by other thoughts, I black them out and start again. I'm not to have any interruptions, so I shut off the phone, no music, etc. Also, I have to keep a thought log of each time I think of the church, and my anxiety level on a scale of 1-10, and where I feel it in my body. (Stomach, throat, etc.)
He had a seminar so I didn't see him again until Veteran's Day. That was my first session. He had me bring up the most vivid image that came to mind of the church, and rate my anxiety and where I feel it in my body. Then he'd do about 30 seconds of the eye movement, at different speeds and in different directions, and he'd ask me what I saw or felt. Then, repeat. He said there are no "supposed to's." It did get somewhat intense and I nearly cried a few times. Each time he'd say "That's all that old stuff coming up," or "stick with it," or "just notice" (meaning notice how I feel). At the end of the session, he had me go to my safe place, and it took about 3 rounds of eye movement with me picturing my safe place to calm me down enough to leave. If it does get too intense, I have a stop signal - holding up my hand - Tom says I'm in control at all times.
The uncomfortable thing for me at first was how close he has to sit. Think of this: If someone is across the room from you, moving their finger, your eyes aren't going to be moving much. So he has to sit virtually right in front of me. But what helps is that he isn't *directly* in front of me, but off to my right side, so when he puts his arm out, his hand is in front of me. I'm normally intimidated by men, but for some reason he's good at putting me at ease. It helps a lot that before he scoots over next to me, he says "I have to come over there."
For well over a year now, I normally have had nightmares 3-7 times per week about the church. Since my first appointment 5 days ago, I have not had a single one. I suspect this is because I've been journaling and thinking about it during the daytime - as Susan always reminds me, dreams are a way of working out our problems subconsciously. I think that since I'm facing it while I'm awake, my subconscious doesn't feel the need to work on it in my sleep. My second session is the day after tomorrow... more updates then.