The Letter
Below is the entire text of the letter I dropped off to stop the harassment, at the end of April in 2002. The one person I mention in the letter that I had given permission to still contact me was my very close friend at the time, Tammy, because she didn't value my worth based on where I attended church. As I said elsewhere on this site, I tried to tell them exactly what they'd done to me, but I think I failed, instead making it sound like I was just angry and screwed up. All bolding, enlarged fonts, and other emphasis is original to the letter.
Well, I'm sure that headline got your attention - it's true. I am a former member of (Church X). I am writing this letter to clear up some misunderstandings and to hopefully prevent the emotional damages to others that have happened to me. I left (Church X) in October of 2001. I had several reasons for doing so, which I will attempt to detail here. This letter has been long in coming and I finally can no longer push it back.
A very brief synopsis of my time at (Church X): I joined on December 15th, 1996, when a friend brought me to church and I got "saved." (Church X) had a different pastor then, Pastor ****. I remained in the church until October 2001, as I previously stated, working in the nursery and as an assistant to the worship team. I spent five years at this church, so none of the observations in this letter were made in haste or without giving them a chance to be resolved.
The first problem I had at (Church X) was with cliques. Everyone tried very hard to deny their presence, and assure everyone that there are no little groups, but they are there. The pastors sit with the "church elders" and worship team. The worship team sits with each other. Even when the other churches get together with (Church X), the pastors all sit together, as do the elders, and etc. Part of this clique problem arose when I became an assistant to the worship team. I am not saying I wasn't appreciated or thanked... I often was thanked for my hard work. But it seems I was treated as a member of the worship team only when it was convenient. Case in point: When the worship team was called up to be prayed for, I was not invited up. Another time, the worship team went to another church to see an Easter play. I was invited, but I couldn't afford the tickets. The church paid the way for someone else to go, but not for me. On a personal level, almost no one, save for my friend *****, ever invited me anywhere, to do anything. The only way I got included in anything was to ask if I could go, or make a pest of myself until I was included. And with (Church X's) family focus (hence the completely pointless name change of the church), I was left feeling alone because my family didn't go to church... no effort was made to accommodate those of us who did not have family present.
Problem two: Gross negligence on the part of the church. As a teenager, everyone at (Church X) knew of my massive depression, and I even told a few people at times that I was suicidal. No one offered to find me a psychologist. No one called my parents to inform them. No one called me during the week to check on me. Fortunately, I never did anything to harm myself. Another negligence incident: In 2001, a few months after I had major surgery, I fell down the dark stairs backstage during a Monday night worship practice. I heard my ankle crack and thought it was broken. (It was not, but I did have a partial cast and was on crutches for three weeks.) I couldn't walk and needed my parents to make the 45 minute drive to pick me up and take me to the emergency room. The pastor's wife gave me three Advil, and then the pastors went home! If it hadn't been for the worship leader's daughter, I wouldn't have even had the cordless phone to call my parents... she brought it to me after I asked. The worship leader did stay, but that would have been incredible liability for the pastor to leave if I had been inclined to sue.
This next situation actually happened shortly after I left. The worship leader's wife called to invite me to her daughter's wedding, two weeks before it happened. I asked why so soon, and she told me they had "had an accident" and were going to have a baby. Then she proceeded to ask me if I was in church, and tell me how I needed to be in church and it was wrong not to be. Excuse me, I am not in church and still a virgin, and her daughter is in church and is a pregnant teenager out of wedlock, and I'm the one in the wrong? That doesn't make sense. And by the way, YOU CAN'T HAVE SEX BY ACCIDENT! (Do not get me started on how I feel about teen mothers who can't even take care of themselves, financially or emotionally, having children.)
Next issue: The pastor closed down the (Charity Clothes & Food Center). Rumor had it he had caught someone taking clothing from it and selling it outside (local store). So one bad person closes down the whole operation. Similarly, because the Sunday morning congregation usually ran about 150 people, and only 30-40 showed up on Wednesday and Sunday nights, he cancelled those services, because "with so few people there it wasn't worth the bother." As my mom said to me, "If you invite 200 people to dinner and only 40 show up, do you starve those 40?" Of course he pastors two churches... but no one thought of combining those churches into one. It wouldn't be that much farther a drive for anyone, as the churches are only fifteen minutes apart, at max.
I do not wish to embarrass anyone, but I have several friends who used to go to (Church X) that were very financially burdened. I will not go into details for their sakes. But most of them are so dedicated that they give money every week to the church. Neither the pastor nor his wife work outside of the church - the congregation's money supports them entirely. The pastor, who has a nice house and 2 vehicles, used the church money to buy himself a laptop computer! There were people in his congregation who needed money so badly, and he buys a new toy?! Of course, "it's used for the church." Sure, no one opens their Bibles anymore because the laptop projects the verses right onto the wall. Oh, and the projector the church uses with that laptop? I can't say where they got it, nor for how much, but my college has several of them, and they cost the school $6000 each. Yes, six thousand dollars. No matter what, that laptop is right there in front for everyone to see. f the church is doing a skit in which someone is sleeping, the screensaver is set to say "Zzzzz" and it is projected over that person's head. Funny how I had my laptop for over a year before the pastor got his. Oh, and one other thing regarding that issue…because my parents worked very hard and invested well, and because I am an only child (my dad's children lived with their mother), they were able to buy me a car, and a computer, and a cell phone. I got very tired of hearing how "spoiled" I was just because I had a little more than other people did.
In school, I was an award-winning singer. I had first and second place medals from contest, and I also participated in the County Children's Choir. I loved to sing very much. The worship team knew this. Many times I was promised that I could eventually sing in front of the church, or be a backup singer, or sing for the youth group. I never got to. Each time I practiced after church, I was told I wasn't loud enough, or I couldn't make harmony properly. That's funny... in the County Choir I was first soprano, and in high school I was an alto... I was told I could either be a soprano or an alto because I had a wide range of vocal ability, but they needed strong altos more, so I was placed there. I sang harmony just fine. I also had several solos. I tried so hard for the church to learn to be louder that I damaged my voice. I can no longer sing soprano, and singing for very long at all hurts my throat. Oh yes, and I recall when the CD was made at (Church X), the soundman said that hearing damage begins at 90 decibels, and our services were running at 120 decibels. Perhaps that is why my ears ring constantly to this day.
Currently, as many people know, I am a cashier at the (local) Wal-Mart Supercenter. Recently, several other members of the congregation of (Church X) have shown up at Wal-Mart and feel it is their business to inquire about my religious life. I thought I had made it clear when I left the message on the church's answering machine to stop contacting me, but I apparently didn't. So, if anyone from (Church X) comes to Wal-Mart and attempts to interrogate me on my current religion or church affiliation, or push their own on me, or in any other way discuss the matter, it constitutes harassment. My supervisor will be called to complete the transaction, and if necessary she can call management and/or security. The only people who have my permission to make contact with me at work are ***** and her family. And I can easily change that.
Before I began attending (Church X), I believed there was a God, who cared for us but basically stood back to let the world run... and maybe once in a blue moon interfered to cause a miracle. I knew nothing of the Bible and figured it was real, but hard to understand. Because of (Church X), I no longer know if that is true. I am currently agnostic. Agnostics believe you cannot know if there is a god or not until you die. I am not sure that the Bible is real anymore... it has some nice ideas but also shows a very cruel and jealous and angry god... I don't know why christians would want to worship it. (Church X) had me living in a fantasy world. Anytime I had a problem, I was told to pray and it would be okay. I was never given practical ways to deal with problems. I can't deal with a god when I can't even deal with my own reality, and I am just now beginning to. I am still dealing with after-effects. For example, I am constantly paranoid that people are angry with me, because for two years, ***** denied being upset with me, and then suddenly exploded one day and told me never to speak to her again. It was 6 months before she did. Of course, the other members of the church sided with her... I was a "bother" to her. (I was a teenager for crying out loud…a CHILD.) Every single "Christian" person (and all non-Christians as well) that I have spoken to about my experiences regarding (Church X) have told me it was a very unhealthy place to be.
I know that anything negative, or anything that goes against what the congregation believes is "the will of god" for them, is dismissed as "of the devil," or that "the devil is just trying to discourage them," so I fully expect this letter to be dismissed as such. I fear for future members like me who will be victimized and preyed upon in their weaknesses, as I feel I was... or at the least, other depressed and emotionally shaken people who will find no support there and slowly become sucked into (Church X's) fantasy world. The illusion of a support system is there, but when it comes down to it, it's not real. As I said before, no one offered to find me counseling, nor called my parents to report my suicidal feelings. (I'm currently doing very well in counseling and have a lot of new friends who value me for who I am today and are not trying to change me.) I don't even believe this letter will make it past the pastor to any members... but either way, this serves as a notice for your church to LEAVE ME ALONE. I expect ABSOLUTELY NO further correspondence or communication from the church nor its members, except at this time the persons stated previously, and once again, if I feel ANY threat from them, I can quickly change my policy on that.
You will never understand the countless nights, weeks, months, and 5 YEARS of depression that your church caused and worsened in me, nor the amount of counseling I have needed, and still need, to undo the damages of the complete lack of self-esteem and self confidence caused in part by your worship team and in part by your church as a whole.