What this page is and why you're here
Last updated: 03/22/2009
I'm free to be the girl you tried to steal from me
Well, it's been a few years, hasn't it? I have great news. :) It's been at least 5 years since I last saw any of them, and yesterday at Wal-Mart, I saw 2 of them again. They left me alone this time, and that's good, because I definitely would have stood up for myself this time. My goal in therapy was always to be indifferent if I saw them, and I feel safe to say that I have met that goal! I didn't harp on it the whole night afterwards. It wasn't my first thought the next morning. I didn't have a panic attack. I feel great. :) I escaped. I will not be manipulated and guilt-tripped into relying on a church that just takes and takes and gives nothing back. The post-traumatic stress disorder I was diagnosed with after leaving the church is gone!
Key points:
1. Depression is an illness. It's not your fault. It's not beacause you're "sinning" and doing something wrong. That's just a guilt trip they use to get you under their control.
2. It's not that they were too stupid to recognize a mental illness (in my case, severe depression, panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, and borderline personality disorder). Issues as severe as that reach out and smack someone in the face. It's that they don't care. They prey on the weak, and there is no one weaker than the mentally ill.
3. Real friends do not wait until you are at your lowest and then kick you to the curb, telling you they never want to talk to you again. Real friends stick with you no matter what and tell you to get professional help.
4. If you have any kind of depression, anxiety, or suspect any other mental illness, you need to see a doctor, preferably a psychiatrist or a psychologist, and a therapist who has at least a Master's degree. And whatever you do, if you are on psychiatric medications, no matter what the church tells you, DO NOT STOP TAKING THEM! Suddenly stopping some psychiatric medications (rather than tapering off them under a doctor's care) can KILL you or cause you seizures and end up with your hospitalization. If you stop your meds and end up in the hospital because of it, the church WILL deny responsibility. They will tell you it's your own fault for not "trusting God" enough, and having enough faith that God would take care of the withdrawal. It's not that at all, it's the physiological effects of medications on your body. Ask any doctor. Remember, my psychiatrist had heard of my church because they had told some of her patients to stop taking their meds.
5. A reiteration of the last point - do not rely on a pastor or church member, no matter how many "Christian counseling classes" they claim to have taken. You need a college-degree-in-mental-health-holding, PROFESSIONALLY LICENSED therapist or doctor.
6. Don't give up. The first 2 years of therapy I felt like I was making almost no progress. Then I did EMDR and that did it. Hang in there. Try a different therapy or therapist if you have to. You can make it!
Please note that as of March 2006, I have been desensitized to the trauma through EMDR, which you can read about at the link below. Most of this was written in the past while I was still in therapy; for example, below where I say it's a big part of my life right now. It no longer is so huge and painful. :)
What kind of church listens to a teenager say that she wants to die, week in and week out, for five years, and never once bothers to contact her parents? That is only one of the ways my former church neglected and abused me spiritually.
This part of my site is a lot of different things. It is the story of what actually happened from my point of view. This experience is a major point in my life right now, as much as I wish it didn't have that power over me. In making this page, I am not only trying to tell the story to those who have heard parts and want or need more details, but also to explain why some things affected me the way they did. It is important to me to tell this story to help me sort through it. I accept feedback and opinions on what happened. Any new perspectives on the situation may help me.
When did it happen? I joined that church on December 15th, 1996. I remember because the 15th is my half-sister's birthday. I left in October 2001 and visited once in February of 2002. (The visit was before I realized what an effect it had on me.) It's still bothering me now? I can almost hear you wondering why I can't just get over it. You will learn, I hope, by reading these pages. That church invaded me... I don't know that invaded is the right word... but it took me over. It was my reason for living for those 5 years. I had thought that before that time, my life was nothing...my entire destiny was this church. When that was so rapidly and painfully pulled out from under me...well, it broke me. As my therapist says, my entire belief system was destroyed.
Yes, I'm in therapy. Although I have a lifelong history of depression and anxiety disorders, my first suicide attempt was not until I was in that church; my depression increased substantially while I was there, and I developed Borderline Personality Disorder**. There is much dispute over whether BPD is hereditary or a product of environment, but I STRONGLY believe that in my case, the environment of that church was certainly the stressor which led to its appearance, if not the very cause of it. (To read more about churches and mental illness, go here.) And I haven't even gotten to the harassment which ocurred after I left. I have, as of this writing (November 2005), been in therapy for two and a half years, and am only now becoming able to actually face what has happened. I don't mean to quote my therapist so often, but as she just told me a couple of months ago, you can't become detached (desensitized) to something unless you face it. You have to experience the emotions, not bottle them up, to get rid of them. My sincere hope is that someday very soon, I will be able to pass that church, or see someone from it, and for that to have absolutely no effect on me. **To learn more about BPD, go to My Borderline Life. That page will tell you the basic characteristics, and on the pages that follow (titled Realities Of Life With BPD) is the best description of what it feels like to have BPD that I've ever read.
Perhaps you're thinking to yourself that, if I'm the only one who's had problems with these people, and considering I have BPD, maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm really the one with the problem. But it's not just me. I've spoken with others who find the church sketchy at best, and even my psychiatrist has heard of the church and its sister churches. Apparently, some of my psychiatrist's other clients have attended this church, and the church has advised them to stop taking their medications. That can be a very dangerous thing, especially if someone quits their medication cold-turkey, instead of weaning off it.
My Story is here. It will never truly be done because my feelings still continue to change over time.
Don't have the time or desire to go through the whole story? Here's a summary of my church's abusive behaviors.
Other documents:
The letter I sent them to stop the harassment, in anonymized form.
More information about abusive churches
Info from ex-Christians
Symptoms of religious addiction
I have researched the issue of privacy, as well as issues of libel and slander, very carefully before publishing these pages. I am exercising my first amendment right to free speech. As this site is entirely from my point of view, it is classified as opinion and not fact; therefore, it is not slanderous. Please see this page for more information.
Warning: I am not accepting e-mail, phone calls, letters, or any other forms of contact from any members of the church I am writing about or their friends and family. I can and will trace your IP address. Any such contacts will be forwarded immediately to my lawyer and will be considered harassment, as the church was asked in 2003 in written format to stop contacting me. Charges will be pressed and restraining orders obtained."In the end, only an individual can judge whether they personally experienced an abusive, cultic relationship. One person's nightmare may correspond to another's 'uplifting experience.'"